You might have noticed, if you went to one of those uhh, one of those clubs the youngsters are dabbing at these days, that all the music they play is electronic chart crap. It wasn’t like that in my day. In my day we listened to real music. None of this bleepy bloopy namby pamby chart crap. With its women and its gold chains and its non-white people. What we need is more real music again, in the clubs, so the youngsters can dab to it.
I’m a music expert journalist professional here so let me factually explain what real music to you over a nice pint of lager. Got your lager ready? Sound. I knew you would. Well real music is this: it has to be on a guitar. Preferably a wooden guitar – one of the uhh, err-coo-stick ones, that the real olden day singers have. And it has to be sung by a man, the real music does. Preferably with a beard, like the one that that John Lennon (pictured pre-beard above) had. Oh, and the man should be white. It’s not real music if he’s not white. And you have to BE ABLE TO IMAGINE the singer doing one of the three acts of The Holy Trinity For Real Music Makers: these are A) drinking whiskey B) being Top Gear’s “star in the reasonably priced car” or C) committing a sex offence. All three is preferable – the more of those, the more real the music is. Remember the Holy Trinity For Real Music Makers, because we’ll be coming back to it later.
Is ‘real music’ a genre? Not exactly, although you wouldn’t be mistaken for thinking so. It’s a combination of ‘classic rock’, ‘indie rock’ and ‘classic indie rock’. Other genres, like ‘rap’, ‘women’ and ‘electric’ just aren’t real enough to be actual music. After all – could you imagine A WOMAN doing relatable thing like climbing a Hairway to Steven? I think not. Instead, we leave real music, about real life, to men that live lives just like us.
So, now you know what counts as real music, it’s time we took an objective trip down Real Music Road, and visited what is definitely – no arguments – the best five albums of real music. If you’re tired of the rap singers, like that Kanye guy, insulting your idea of what music should be these will be the perfect antidote.
1. Jake Bugg – Jake Bugg
What we all love about Jake Bugg, the saviour of real music, is that he’s like one of the proper singers they had in the olden days, only now. He sounds like Bob Dylan, if Bob Dylan, if only Bob Dylan wasn’t dead. Jake Bugg knows what us real music fans want. Great tunes and great banter. Jake’s songs are mainly about chatting up birds, and although it doesn’t give you tips (to be as successful with the ladies as Jake is, sorry fellas!), it’s proper good relatable stuff. “Smoke to remember, drink to forget” – don’t we all, Jake!
2. Pat Smith – Horses
I’ve never actually listened to this one, but my flatmate – who’s a bit arty – says this is good. And besides. It’s by someone called Pat, and that’s a great, proper man’s name. Like Patrick Kluivert, the one that used to play for Newcastle and Holland. Obviously I’ve never listened to this one, but that doesn’t matter – you read the album’s name, looked it up, and listened, before skipping to the next on the list – but what I love about this album is that it has a woman on the cover. I love looking at women. And I’m sure you do too. Apparently all of his albums have the same (#peng) women on the cover! Phwoar, I might even actually listen to this!
3. Led Zeppelin – Led Zeppelin V
What I like about this album is that I don’t have to imagine a member doing item C) on the Holy Trinity For Real Music Makers as mentioned earlier – their guitarist fell in love with an actual 14 year old child model, making him America’s answer to Bill Wyman of The Rolling Stones. What else makes this real though, is that it really does rock. When I listen to this album, I nod my forwards, like I’m saying: “yeah, rock me harder!”, but sometimes I shake my head, like I’m saying: “no! I don’t want this rock music to end!” Sometimes with music journalism, it’s too easy to get caught up in super technical aspects of things, like whether the band are sex offenders or not, when really you should just enjoy the music, man!
4. Catfish and the Bottlemen – The Balcony
Completists of the The Holy Trinity Of Real Music Makers, except maybe more lager than whiskey, Catfish are bringing real music back onto Match of the Day goal montages and back into fashion. Think now’s a bad time for music? With its rappers and female artists and political correctness gone gay? Don’t fear! Catfish have saved the day. On this masterpiece, with tracks where man meets machine in an exciting, bold new way, we have a collection of 10 songs – masterful allegories – about the self-destructive pursuit of love. Or to put it more succinctly – in a way you can understand if you’ve got this far through the article with the irony still being lost on you – shagging birds.
5. The Clash – London Carling
Punk was shit until these four proper lads came along and cleaned it up. Punk was great, because it had rocking guitar riffs, but not so great, because it tried to bring politics into everything. Do you have that one mate that – when you’re down the boozer – keeps bringing politics up when you’re trying to focus on your pint? The Clash solved this in 1979, replacing a focus on politics in their music with a focus on lager itself. Yum. That’s the brilliance of London Carling. This is what real music’s about. Drinking and tunes. “London Carling, for far away towns”, the singer says. Genius. Love it! And it’s political in a way, socialist like. John Rotten loves London Carling, and wants the people of faraway towns to have it too. He’s continuing the legacy of Groucho Marx, but isn’t too in your face about it! I mean, The Clash aren’t allowed to do live music concerts anymore (for keeping it too real, political correctness gone MAD I say), but if they did, they’d be the best live music concerts in the world.
So there we have it. Real music, for real people. Things ain’t so bad after all. Don’t panic. Although it looks like the white boys with guitars and homophobic views might be gone from the charts they’re still here in our hearts. And if you hate women, gay people, and people of a different ethnicity to you as much as I do, then modern real bands like Catfish and the Bottlemen, Oasis and Razor Light keep it real.
Words by Cal Cashin