Here’s the deal: you’ve just seen a great concert from a band you don’t know very well. Because you’ve been impressed by their set and you want to help out starving artists, you go up to the merch stand, expecting to find tshirts and CDs.
Most bands do have tshirts and CDs. Some go a little too far in terms of originality. Here’s our pick for the best – and worst – of band merch. Mostly the worst, to be honest.



Wavves grinder



Rarely has a piece of merch fit a band’s music and personality better. It’s marketed as a ‘tobacco grinder’, but you know as well as I do that Nathan Williams and co. didn’t write Beach Goth after smoking too many cigarettes.



Alice Cooper’s ‘Whiplash’ mascara



Yet another proof that sometimes, masculinity is weirdly fragile. This mascara is made entirely of manly ingredients such as pepper, thunder and PAIN (just kidding, it’s just a regular mascara). If you can’t stand the idea of buying anything that’s been marketed towards women, that’s probably a great product. Otherwise, fairly dispensable.



Iggy Azalea fan

9 iggy azalea

Honestly, there’s no logical reason as to how this idea came about. It’s just yet another reason to make fun of the Australian singer ; just imagine the sheer number of people who tweeted a picture of this saying it was “Iggy’s only fan LMAO”.



Nick Cave plastic toy

redrightsmall copy


Like most things on this list, fairly useless, though this particular piece of merch is fairly cute – you can even choose your favourite Nick as it comes in different outfits. It’s limited edition, though, because Cave had to turn it into something serious. Obviously.



Grimes’ vagina ring



I’ve tried wording that heading about a hundred times and this was the less offensive version, so here goes. Grimes is one of the few artists that has always been vocal about being a feminist so it’s not too much of a reach to imagine that this has something to do with girl power – though a person’s gender is not defined by their genitalia, but this concept doesn’t make for good jewellery so, hey.
Thinking about it, that ring’s not nice jewellery either so let’s hope that if you’ve bought it, you’ve god a ‘bad taste’ party coming up.



IAMX wine



Chris Corner (ex-Sneaker Pimps) has found his true voice in his solo project, IAMX. He’s also found wine in the process. Because he’s a good person, you can choose between white or red, and from what I’ve heard, it’s pretty good, so props to him for the weird-but-cool idea.



Motörhead dildos



Honestly, I don’t think anyone has ever wanted to think about Lemmy Kilmister while masturbating, but if that’s your kind of thing, know that there’s something tailored especially for you out there.
It’s worth noting that Rammstein’s already made a way more hardcore version of this weird piece of merchandising in 2009. Avant-garde.



Slayer Christmas jumper


This is the real reason we’re all here and a true masterpiece; the annual Slayer Christmas jumper. Annual as in ‘they actually make a different one every year’ though it feels like it’s getting less kitsch as years go by, which is kind of sad for a Christmas jumper. Still, even if it’s way overpriced (90 dollars, really?), there’s no denying this is cool. ‘tis the season to be fucking hardcore.


Words by Jillian Blandenier

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