[FEATURE] Festival Goonies


Line-up announcements for festivals are springing up all over the Internet. Surely one or two of your Facebook friends have mentioned how they’re definitely going to one even though they haven’t even booked the tickets yet. And there you are just thinking, this all sounds cool but do I really want to spend my money on a festival ticket to be surrounded by a bunch a morons at an event with a semi-decent music line-up? Nine times out of ten, you won’t remember anything about what music artists you’ve seen live.

You’ll probably just remember how that dickhead in front of you couldn’t handle the shit load of drugs he took or how the girl standing behind you is really into the band on stage but is struggling to get the correct lyrics right and is singing obnoxiously with everyone else in the crowd. You’ve already spent all your money on coats and sweaters to keep yourself warm for winter, how can you even think about how you’re going to afford summer clothes in January? Below is a short description of a few individuals who are getting moist over festival hype.


If it’s your first time taking drugs, a music festival isn’t the best place to be “adventurous”.You will have the worst trip ever and will find yourself in another dimension while all your friends are laughing at you thinking you’re finally feeling the come up, when actually you can’t see your right hand from your left. Don’t respond to a cautionary warning by saying YOLO. You and your friends probably joked about how stupid the word was before you got to the festival but for some reason, the day you decide to take drugs Drake’s words of wisdom really touch your heart. They will, when you’re in the hospital begging for your life.

Wannabe Club Kids

You don’t know much about the 90s and although you like to believe you’ve been a raver since the late 80s, you’re not. Just because you’re interested in all the DJ sets which will probably play music like Cyril Han and other deep house “bangers” and see bands like Peace, doesn’t necessarily mean wearing a Stussy bucket cap and a tracksuit will make you look any cooler. Especially when ten other guys have decided to wear the exact same thing as you. You missed your chance to go to Spike Island, because your mother decided to give birth in 1994.


Admit it, you’re a lightweight. Island festivals can be a memorable experience, but don’t go home thinking Croatia is the new Ibiza just because you and your mates went to Outlook last year. You think Ibiza is overrated because everyone else you know have had a great fucking time and you didn’t get a chance to go. So in a rage of jealously you booked tickets to Croatia. Croatia may be the place to be for you, but you’ve only been to Outlook once and stayed a majority of your nights hungover in your villa and lied to your friends about how much of an amazing time you had, that one night, which was the first night and last of your island rave experience.

Delusional Time travellers

You’re at Parklife, located in a huge park up north, you’re not at Woodstock, you will never go to Woodstock because it was in the 70s and it’s 2014 now so stop dressing like a hippie from America. You’re probably 16 and decided to read your horoscope on a tumblr post and found some exciting things about your future that told you to “unlock your third Shakra” leading you to buy a bindi from Topshop. You probably know nothing about your own government, let alone spirituality. Knowing the queen’s name does not count as being “politically aware”.  Just because you think Prince Harry deserves a better girlfriend and you have made a Facebook page to stop their relationship, does not count as rising up against “the man”. Knowing Ghandi’s top quotes you found on Yahoo doesn’t exactly make you spiritual either.


Don’t take the words “GYM, TAN, AND LAUNDRY” too seriously. It’s great that you work out, but the outcome of all your hard work in the gym has lead your body to look like a steroid addict’s body.  If you want to show off your muscular body, take off your shirt. No one wants to see your nipples peeking out underneath the tank top that you’re wearing, which is obviously not meant to be covering up much. You’re going to an island, where sunlight normally appears, what’s the pre-tan for? If it’s that hard for you to get an actual tan, it’s obvious that putting bronze goop on your body quickly before you get on the airplane, won’t make you look any better. Buy some swim shorts that actually fit your body. Wearing ripcurl swim shorts that are half your size doesn’t make you look sexy. What you actually look like is a dad on holiday that forgot to bring his own swim trunks so he had no other choice but to wear his 10-year-old son’s and feels no shame in doing so because he doesn’t mind trying to look hip.

 Tumblr Girls

These girls think they’re inventing a fashion statement by wearing Palace merchandise, Hype beanies, oversized windbreakers, galactic or aztec print leggings, Nikes with gold hoop earrings and loads of make up. They’ll come up to you and your friends at a festival and challenge you to a beer chugging contest because they think they’ve got what it takes to be a “man” and they’re not like all the other girls because they like house music and hip-hop too. Mainly Drake and Disclosure. Next thing they’ll do is flash everyone because who cares? And then cry with their friends when you decide not to hook up with them. The real reason no one wants to talk to any girls like this though is because their barbaric tactics have caused  their make-up to slide off their face which ends up making them look like a scary clown who sat in the rain.

Afi Baaqi

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